Taxes are a headache. Painkillers will make my headache go away. Therefore, painkillers will make my taxes go away.

Before the last presidential election, three residents of Harlem were quoted as saying that support Barack Obama even though they knew nothing about his policies. Obviously, all residents of Harlem are ignorant slobs.

Ted: Biological evolution is both a theory and a fact.

Edwin: That is ridiculous! How can you possibly be absolutely certain that we evolved from pond scum!

Actress Andie MacDowell says that it's healthy to drink milk. But the dairy industry pays thousands of dollars to make these ads. Therefore, we should not take her testimony too seriously.

People on Medicaid tend to be sicker than people who do not have insurance at all. This proves that Medicaid is a bad idea. Putting people on Medicaid actually causes them to get sick.

The priest told me I should have faith. I have faith that my son will do well in school this year. Therefore, the priest should be happy with me.

Hydrogen is not wet. Oxygen is not wet. Therefore, water (H2O) is not wet.

Son: "Wow, Dad, it's really hard to make a living on my salary."

Father: "Consider yourself lucky, son. Why, when I was your age, I only made $40 a week."

After extensive research, nobody has proven that Barack Obama was not born in the U.S. Therefore, we have good reason to believe that Obama is indeed a U.S. citizen.

There are more laws on the books today than ever before, and more crimes are being committed than ever before. Therefore, to reduce crime, we must eliminate the laws.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

My friend and I are from Dayton, Ohio, and we played football. So, obviously, Ohio must be a football town.

Senator Smith says that the nation should not add to the defense budget. Senator Jones says that he cannot believe that Senator Smith wants to leave the nation defenseless.

What goes up must come down. The price of food has been going up for years. Therefore, it surely must come down soon.

Since we moved in together she has become very depressed. I feel like I've ruined her life.

They said they suspect several people of setting the fire. Therefore I can't be under suspicion, since I was alone that night.

My friend and I are from Dayton, Ohio, and we played football. So, obviously, all the people in Ohio must love football.

Student: "The opinions of the students are completely ignored in the process of determining both curricular changes and social programs. The students should have a much greater voice in campus governance, because we have a very great stake in this institution, and we think that we have a positive contribution to make."

Professor: "The faculty are the ones who need a greater voice. Professors can be fired without explanation, and they have no control over who is promoted or given tenure. Their opinions about budgetary allotments are completely ignored. Why aren't you concerned about the injustice the faculty is experiencing?"

Each and every brick in the completely brick-faced Wainright Building has a reddish brown color. Therefore, the Wainright Building has a reddish brown color.

Most divorced couples go to see a therapist before they separate. Therefore going to see a therapist will increase the chances that you will get a divorce.

A reckless motorist Thursday struck and injured a student who was jogging through the campus in his pickup truck. Therefore, it is unsafe to jog in your pickup truck.

On three separate occasions I drank a bottle of Figowitz beer and found it flat and bitter. Probably I would find every bottle of Figowitz beer flat and bitter.

A student tells his professor that he thinks some of Donald Trump's positions have merit. The professor says he can't believe that the student supports racism.

Rhubarb pie is a dessert. Therefore, whoever eats rhubarb pie eats a dessert.

On a South Pacific island, where lice are common, we noticed that sick people tended to have fewer lice than healthy people. We conclude that having lice actually promotes health.